Choosing Curiosity Over Criticism
You were born to have meaningful relationships. Nearly nothing is accomplished in this life without people by our side — the depth of our relationships and the quality of our conversations and connections impact our decisions, livelihood, and spirit. No matter which role you’re in — be it boss, colleague, friend, parent, spouse, mentor, or spiritual advisor — how you intentionally engage with people matters.
This holiday season Americans are experiencing deep political polarization, in addition to a global pandemic, resulting in social distancing and isolation. We are struggling to understand — and be with — people. . . our friends, family, and colleagues. In such uncertain and insecure times, when we suffer economically and emotionally, the need for connection is paramount. Fear, misunderstanding, and loneliness threatens everyone’s sense of stability. Conversing and connecting with intention and care can be medicine for what ails and divides us.
It’s natural and human to struggle to converse with the people that we love, with whom we work, and strangers that may seem different from us. How many times have you said the wrong thing, showed up with negative energy, or lost your sense of cool and stability in the moment? It happens to everyone. How we listen, understand, and speak with people matters. Simply put, when we take personal responsibility and are intentional with our language, listening, and energy… everyone thrives.
Perhaps you’ve witnessed the power of a killer conversation that dramatically shifts people into new thinking, better attitudes, and positive actions that contribute to a brighter tomorrow. Perhaps you’ve also seen conversations that “kill” — where drama, shame and blame, and unintended reactions shut people down, building divisive walls. Struggle will always exist — but we believe the cure to criticism, judgement, and disconnection is curiosity.
Curiosity is as much about listening and asking questions as it is an energetic presence. Curious energy is so unexpected for most of us because we rarely experience it with another. When was the last time you were with someone who just wanted to be with you? Without judgement or skepticism? We rarely experience a moment where someone listens and “witnesses” us as we share our own stories, reasons, reactions, and/ or perceptions. It feels good to be heard without someone else butting in.
Energy is utterly contagious. Curious, warm, and clear interactions inspires everyone to let go of sarcasm or judgement and open up to new possibilities of connected engagement. We change — and help others change — when we can feel the possibility of something new. Here are a few actionable ways to embody curiosity:
• The anagram of listen is silent. Be silent and listen. (Listen without distraction or queuing up what you have to say next)
• Express genuine interest (be interested, not interesting)
• Find out what they want to talk about (not your agenda or every fact/tidbit you’d like to contribute)
• Don’t show off (quit attempting to look right or smart or absolutely certain)
• Listen to hear something new (desire to learn something new)
• Hear what’s important about this to them (listen for their raw feelings)
• Stay out of problem solving or giving advice (even if you feel like it’s obvious or you have a counterpoint)
• Thank them for sharing
If you’re showing up differently with a person that you’ve struggled to connect to in the past, good for you! It’s brave to show up differently, speak differently, and respond differently. The rewards are well worth the effort. Embodying curiosity can help begin healing the division between us, and what better time to start than this holiday season when we’re all craving human connection.
Learn more at www.anatomyofconnectionandconversation.com